Louise Pines
by DannyFenton123
Summary: In an alternate universe, Dipper is sent to Gravity Falls with his 9 year old sister, Louise Pines.
1. Chapter 1

"So, Louise, explain why we're doing this again?" Dipper asked as he stood by a stall full of little cylinders of wood, in front of the Mystery Shack. "And why anyone would want to buy these."

"You mean you can't recognize the potential, Dipper?" Louise spread her short arms. "These, these are the greatest invention of the century: anti-wedgie sticks!"

The boy's eyebrows drooped. "Anti-wedgie sticks."

"Yes, that's what I said. They're gonna make me millions!" Louise spotted a man in a green hat and tank top passing by. "You, sir! You look like the kind of sad man who gets wedgies waaay too often; how's about you let me hook you up with the perfect product: the anti-wedgie stick!"

"Louise, this isn't gonna-"

"Shut your face! Sorry, sir, what can I put you down for?"

The man leaned over to look at the sticks. "What does it do?"

"Prevent wedgies, of course!"

"How?"

Louise's smile became ever so slightly strained. "Sir, I know you have a lot of questions, but there is a line you're holding up."

"There is?" The man looked behind him.

"There is?" Dipper was suddenly shoved out of the stall. "Ow, Louise!"

"Go be a line!"

The man turned back to Louise. "There is! Well, I don't want to keep him waiting!"

"What?" The girl stared as her customer turned and headed into the shop. "Wait, wait, what are you doing?! Offer ends today! Limited time only! Buy now or forever hold your peace!"

Dipper walked up to the stall and put a dollar on the table. "Hey, Louise, don't worry about making money. Grunkle Stan is paying us, remember?"

"Barely." Louise snatched the bill. "And don't give me your pity money!"

"Then, uh, can I have it back?"

"I don't get it." She laid her head on the table. "Usually I can get people to buy literally anything I sell, but this town is a complete bust!"

"No offense, but I don't think anyone would want to buy one of these." Dipper picked up one of the sticks, looking suspiciously at the fine polish and the crudely cut ends. "Where did you get these anyway?"

"Don't touch the merchandise!" Louise snapped, then returned to her mope. "I've met thick bricks in my lifetime, but these people are like reinforced concrete! With rebar!"

Before Dipper could respond he felt a hand grab his shoulder and turn him around face to face with a man in a blue mask. He yelped before realizing this man was actually Grunkle Stan.

The old man started laughing. Dipper heard a snort from behind, but when he turned around Louise was totally straightfaced.

"Hi, Grunkle Stan." Dipper sighed as his Grunkle began to cough.

"Ha, haha! Was worth it." He took off the mask and frowned. "What are you kids doing anyway?"

Louise groaned. "Trying to make money."

"With this junk?" Stan picked up one of the sticks. "Hey, it looks like the legs from those chairs I lost yesterday."

"Oh, that's a complete coincidence, Mr Pines, really."

"Hey, call me your Grunkle Stan. 'Mr Pines' is way too formal for family." He looked down at Louise. "What are these anyway, walking sticks for gnomes?"

"No, anti-wedgie sticks!" The girl protested. "I don't get why they aren't selling; random frivolous trinkets are totally in the lowest common denominator!"

Grunkle Stan snapped his finger. "Ah, kid, and there's your problem. You're not sinking low enough."

Dipper blinkled. "Wait, how does that make any sense-"

"You mean… cheap toilet humour?"

"Lower, kid."

Louise scratched her chin. "Using woman's bodies to sell products?"

"Lower!"

"Too good to be true offers that are actually too good to be true?"

"Bingo!" Stan leaned on his 8-ball cane. "Scams are what I make my living off of, and this town is so dumb they'll buy anything. Literally!"

"They'll buy anything?" Louise's evil grin was enough to make Dipper take a few steps back.

"Uh, Louise, what are you gonna do?"

"Oh, nothing." Louise backed up into the Mystery Shack. Dipper moved to follow but he was blocked by Stan.

"Hey, not so fast. You need to put these signs up in the woods."

"What? That's not fair!" Dipper crossed his arms. "You always pick me! Why not Louise?"

"You're closest."

"But-"

"No buts, kid. Get moving!" Stan dumped some signs into Dipper's hands and shoved him off. When the boy was gone he looked back at the sticks on the stall. "Hey, if I stuck a few of those together they'd make perfect replacements for my missing chairs. Where's Soos?"


	2. Chapter 2

Louise heard her brother running out of the woods before she saw him.

"Louise, Louise, you won't believe this!" He came running up to her stall with a book, but quickly noticed her furious expression. "Uh… are you okay?"

"Me? Oh, ho, I'm fine!" She banged the table, causing some cups with yellow liquid in them to ripple.

"Are you sure?"

"Haha, ab-so-lutely! You know how I loooove not making any money!"

Dipper picked up a cup. "Lemonade? Don't worry, Maybe people just weren't thirsty-"

"Don't drink that."

"What's wrong with it?"

Louise pointed upwards, where the sign above her stall very clearly read: 'Pee Lemonade $2 NO REFUNDS'

"You can't be serious, right? No, you're serious." Dipper swiftly put the cup down. "Louise, that's disgusting. No wonder nobody bought anything!"

"No, they bought it all right." Louise crossed her arms. "I was turning a _great_ profit. But as soon as they took a sip, they all started demanding refunds! Then this tall person with tons of red hair leapt over the stand and took it all away from me!"

Dipper shrugged. "Well, I guess that's what happens when you sell pee to strangers."

"Are you blaming me?! I very clearly stated my product, _and_ I said no refunds – this town is just full of animals!"

"Well, yeah, but maybe it just wasn't a very good idea in the first place?" He stepped back a little. "What I meant to say is there are so many good ways to make money, and I'm very happy to brainstorm with you, but this… isn't one of them."

To Dipper's surprise, Louise sighed, turned around and laid across the table.

"Uh, what are you doing?"

"I don't have a chair."

"Oh."

"See, dear brother, I don't think you fully understand what I'm doing here."

"Yes I do. You want to sell your own urine, and it's super gross."

"It's actually from the outhouse."

"That's not any better.a"

"But gross or not, it sold." Louise craned her head backwards to look at Dipper. "I sold actual pee to people. Don't you understand? I've finally tapped into the town's well of infinite dumbness, and I can't let this opportunity go to waste! I don't need a new product," She rubbed her hands together. "What I need is a bodyguard."

Dipper crossed his arms. "Don't look at me, Louise."

"Oh, I wasn't thinking about you." She slid off the stand. "With your noodle arms, my money wouldn't last a second out there."

"Hey!"

"I mean, I might as well work alone, you know? You'd just unintimidate them. Is that a word? It should be a word."

"Are you done, Louise?"

"Am I?" She turned around and grinned. "Yeah, I can't think of any more."

"Well, even if you-"

"Maybe I could use you as a human shield…"

"Louise!" Dipper snapped. "Well, how are you supposed to find a bodyguard anyway?"

"I dunno, I'll find somebody! I bet you a dollar I can find somebody right now, just watch me!" She saw Soos exit the door and walk towards them. "Hey, - what's his name, Dipper?"

"Soos."

"Hey, Soos!" Louise waved.

"Oh, hey! Louise, isn't it?" Soos walked over. "Are you dudes selling lemonade? I could totally have some right now."

"You, wouldn't want to do that." Louise folded her hands across the table. "Listen, buddy, friend, have I got the job offer for you!"

Dipper rolled his eyes and stepped back, letting it happen.

"A job offer?" The handyman scratched his head. "I dunno, dude. I mean, I already have a full time job at the Mystery Shack…"

Louise nodded solemnly. "Yes, I understand your concerns. But I have an offer you just can't refuse; a bodyguard! How's that for a dream job, huh? Huh?"

"A bodyguard? Well, I do have a lot of body…"

"Yes, yes!" Louise paused to stick her tongue out at Dipper. "So, what's your answer?"

"…But I already have my dream job. Sorry, dude." The man shrugged, smiling timidly. "I never want to do anything else but work handyman for Mr Pines, you know?"

Before Louise could say anything, there was a shout from behind. "Good choice, Soos! You should also ask yourself why a supposed lemonade stand needs a bodyguard in the first place!"

Soos turned his head. "Wendy?"

Louise glared at the redheaded girl. " _Wendy_. Stay out of this, you thief!"

"Hey!" Wendy put her hands on your hips. "I wouldn't have taken my money back if you hadn't let me drink pee!"

Soos began to back away slowly.

"I wouldn't have let you drink pee if you hadn't been dumb enough to buy it!"

"I thought it was a joke, man!"

"Oh, look at that!" Soos looked to the door. "I think a toilet's clogged. See you dudes later!"

Louise pulled at the strings on her bunny hat. "And you scared away my potential employee! Thanks a bunch!"

"You're welcome!" Wendy walked away, leaving Louise to put her head on the desk. Dipper walked a little closer, and with a groan she pulled out a dollar bill and put it on the table.

Dipper frowned "What's that for?"

"You forgot about our bet?" She sighed. "Whatever, take it. It's the only dollar I've made today, and that's the one you gave me!"

"What? It doesn't matter-"

"Yes it does!" Louise shoved the bill further away. "Take it! I don't want pity money!"

Reluctantly, Dipper took the dollar. Then he smiled and drew out the book he had been holding under his arm. "Hey, I think I have something to take your mind off this, Louise."

The girl raised her head. "A book? Do you even know me?"

"I found this in the woods," Dipper opened it and began flipping through the pages. "Remember what I was saying about this town being weird? I have proof now; look!"

Louise frowned, then walked around the stall to see right side up. "Floating eyeballs? Gnomes? This looks more like some really old Mystery Shack junk than any proof."

"Really?" Dipper raised an eyebrow. "Louise, if it's just junk, why did I have to open a secret door to find it?"

"A secret door, riiight. I'm not gonna believe that unless-"

"I knew you'd say that, so I took some photos." Dipper handed her a plastic camera.

"You know me too well, Dipper." Louise watched shaky footage of a metal tree and a trap door opening in the ground. "Okay, you got me. This is definitely weird."

"Haha, I knew it! I was right all along!"

Louise flipped through an entry of the Manotaurs, a smile creeping up her face. "Some of these guys look really strong."

"Yeah, Louise. We'll have to be careful." Dipper began pacing, tapping his chin with a pen. "I say we start out with a small investigation in the woods; the journal gives the exact location of this gnome village, so we could start there-"

Louise picked up the journal and flipped it around. "Or we find ourselves a supernatural bodyguard! What about this guy?"

Dipper stared at the page. "Who's Bill Cipher?"

"What? Oh, wrong page." She flipped it. "One of these guys should do the trick!"

"A zombie?"


End file.
